(As my first official blog post, I'd like to bring back an original writing from my old blog "Journey of an Urban Hippie" circa 2014)
Turn-taking
Active Listening
Nonverbal
These are just a few vocabulary words from my days at San Francisco State University majoring in Communications. I picked this as my major because I frankly had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and it seemed like an excellent “well-rounded” option. No matter what I decided I wanted out of life, a Communication background would be applicable. What I didn’t realize when I picked this major was:
A) Many people in the Communications department were lost souls like me.
B) I would meet my best and most dearest friend.
C) Things that I thought were common sense are actually “taught” to people in a college atmosphere.
You see, communications was the easiest major I could have possibly picked for myself. My girlfriend and I “studied” for a test one time by getting pedicures, sorta talking about the content of the test, then proceeded to go to karaoke and drink beer until the wee hours of the morning, only to show up for the test hungover and Acing it.
College was great.
In any case, I remember going through classes like “Non-Verbal Communication” and just thinking…seriously? Of course people communicate through body language, how is this an actual class? But what I quickly realized is that things that were just a part of my understanding of the world were foreign to a lot of people. Hence the reason for an entire major being dedicated to it.
As I’ve moved past my studies and into the “real world”, I realize how terrible people can be at communicating with each other. I find people tend to talk AT each other, instead of WITH each other. I mean, I understand it. Sometimes someone is talking about a topic you know a lot about, and you want to contribute to the conversation. So instead of listening to them, you’re just thinking about the next thing you want to say. But I feel like this happens all the freaking time. From the perspective of person who is sharing, I’m super stoked that you feel the same way I do! However by changing the conversation to what you think about it, you’re not really honoring my feelings or my contribution. You’re manipulating it to be about yourself.
That’s the thing, people can really love to talk about themselves. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been talking with a new person and they literally don’t ask a single thing about me. Now granted, I do like asking questions (that’s why I’m a life coach after all). And I’m pretty damn good at getting people to share things with me (things they usually don’t share with other people), but it would be nice if that was reciprocated too.
When I talk with my good girlfriends – one person will share for awhile, then the other person will share, and then it turns into a back-and-forth conversation. This allows both parties to have the space to be heard. And sure – I’ve called a friend before and said, “Look, I have 10 minutes, can I just process something out loud with you?” And then I’ll go off on a Stacy rant – but I asked first! I feel like that’s the difference with me and the people I am close with, we are considerate of each other in our communication.
Talking about yourself AT someone is, in my opinion, extremely disrespectful. By doing that, you are literally taking their time and energy away from them. And if there is one thing that is precious in our short lives on this planet, it is TIME.
So…check in. The next time you’re having a conversation with someone, ask yourself:
Have I been talking for awhile?
Have I asked them any questions about their life? Their opinion? Their feelings?
What’s their body language like?
Am I even listening to what they’re saying?!
Slow down. Listen. And speak mindfully.
And just a quick reminder - if you do want to talk about yourself and your feelings in a non judgmental context, hire a life coach! That is what we are here for.
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