How Did I End Up Here?

My husband jokes that the worst thing you can do is tell me you’re not happy with your life, especially if it’s followed by, “I wish I could be doing [insert dream here].” He jokes about this because once I know you’re not living the life you really want, I tend to start asking lots and lots of questions about why you think you can’t have that life. Because I have a huge desire to prove you wrong.

When I reflect back on why I am this way, on why I want people to be living the lives that they actually want, it comes from a philosophy of mine which is simply no what-ifs. I have lived my life with the understanding that I will never wonder what if about something that I want to try. Now has this always ended well? Absolutely not. Have I touched the proverbial oven and been burned? Absolutely. But do I wonder what those experiences could’ve been like? No, because I did them. I lived them. I got my answer. And that was what was important to me, I wanted to know what it was like so I would never have the regret of not trying something.

This philosophy of mine comes from two foundational experiences in my life that happened pretty close together.

The Life Shaping Events

When I was 20 years old, I was in a very severe motorcycle accident. I was on the back of a friend’s motorcycle and we were hit by a car. As the passenger, I was thrown off the bike and landed on my head (just a heads up, the passengers on motorcycles tend to have the most severe injuries in any accident). I, unfortunately, was wearing my friend's helmet which was way too big for my head so there was room in the helmet for my head to move and to create a crack in my skull. Most of this is blurry to me as I was very high on morphine at the time, but I woke up in ICU seeing double. I had no concept of what happened or how severe it was until I saw the looks on everyone's faces. 

Once they weaned me off the morphine drip, that’s when the real pain started. Amazingly enough, the most severe of my injuries was only the crack in my skull which now has a titanium plate over it. I slowly started to recover, I could see straight again. I could walk. The headaches were brutal though for a long time. 

What is interesting about this near death experience is that I experienced it through other people. My mother has never been the same. Good friends bring it up and talk about how awful it was to see me like that. As the person going through it, I just knew I needed to survive. That I needed to get better and keep healing. And I was lucky that, for the most part, despite a hole in my skull, I am pretty much back to normal. However, to see the pain and trauma in other people about MY experience made me see how close I really came to death. 

Oddly enough, this isn’t soly what created my no what ifs mind set. It’s what happened after that changed me forever.

About two years after my motorcycle accident, my ex-boyfriend died very suddenly at the age of 24. Though we were broken up, we were still very much in contact and I considered him the love of my life. He had a brain aneurysm and was hospitalized for 1 week on life support until he eventually passed away. I was able to see him in the hospital once, but it was one of those moments where I was looking at him and could tell he wasn’t there. I was just looking at a body, and it was horrible to witness the complete lack of soul in a human being I had loved so profoundly.

Evan dying so suddenly at such a formative time in my life was the real basis for my no regrets policy. I was young and didn’t know how to deal, so I threw myself into another relationship and a party heavy lifestyle. I thought if he can’t keep going out and doing all of these things, then I need to do that for him. No questions about what my choices would bring, I just did them, got my answer, then moved onto the next.  

How I Broke the Mold

In 2015, I decided I wanted to move to Rome, Italy. I was 30 years old, pretty stagnant in my life at the time, and I was looking for a new adventure. There also might have been a potential love interest there (isn’t there always in Italy?). In any case, when I made the decision that I was going to do this, I cannot believe the amount of push back I got from friends and family. So many people thought I was being reckless, including my Mother. I was not prepared for the shitstorm this would create for our relationship.

But this isn’t a story about my issues with my Mom (we all have those), this is a story about how I did it anyway. Because here’s the thing, my parents raised an independent, strong, and confident daughter. I knew no matter what happened that I would fall on my feet.

I made some major mistakes along the way. I didn’t get a visa so I was there illegally the first year and wasn’t able to work. I learned my lesson, did a visa run back to the states, and did things properly when I moved back the second time. It was scary, stressful, and at times very lonely. I didn’t know the language, I didn’t have any friends in the beginning, I was starting my life over from scratch.

And you know what? It was the most profound and incredible experience of my life. Not only did I get to live in one of the most magical places in the world and eat the most insane food every single day, but guess what? I made friends. I found a job. I built a beautiful little life there. I knew it wasn’t forever, but it was mine. And I wouldn’t trade all the struggles it gave me for anything in the world.

I think that is the biggest reason why I feel so passionately about helping people get out of their own way, because I did it! I made it to the other side. And it was absolutely worth all the struggles. My life is better and I am stronger because of the choice I made to go against the grain and do what I truly wanted to do.

So, I would love to know, what is it that you truly wish you could be doing, living, experiencing?

Send me an email to stacylbrogan@gmail.com or DM on instagram @stacylbrogan